| Whew |
[03 Apr 2005|01:53pm] |
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mood |
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 Some things never change |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sublime as I am. |
] |
A breathe of fresh air... Finally it is spring and life is starting to shape up. I am moving out of my fathers house into a little piece of crap place that doesn't even have a bedroom. But it will be my little piece of crap and right now that is all that matters. When it comes to matters of the heart, well there aren't any set in stone but there are some prospects. I don't really even know if I have the time for a man. I work two jobs: Taco Hell Pizza Butt (soon to be a manager, woo hoo) and I deliver pizza. Not to mention friends and family time. I don't know.
I hope to go back to school sometime... But for now I am living my so called life.
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[30 Nov 2004|12:19pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
] |
To explain in writing everything that I am feeling at this particular moment would be most impossible... The living situation has to change. Sam my younger sister moved in, and is currently living in half of my already too small room. Not to mention her going thru my stuff and taking whatever she feels she needs. On top of that, all of the student loans that I have taken out are coming back to haunt me... I am currently $10,000 dollars in debt. How am I going to do this? I ran from school cause I couldn't pay for it... And things haven't changed much... Yeah I get forty hours a week and over time if I want it, but I don't want to work my life away. I am so FUCKING TIRED of being FUCKING POOR. And the one thing that I thought would get me out of the family streak is pushing me right back into it... So for the next ten years of my life I am going to be paying for this one year out of high school that I fucked up... And be living with my parents and little sister... If only I only had one more day to live... How much easier would it be? Could it be worse? I wish I knew...
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| Living |
[11 Nov 2004|09:51am] |
Well here lately I have been keeping myself busy and sleepless... I found out a few weeks ago that my mom has cancer. Not just precancer cells, cancer... How in the hell does a person take that news... Not to mention at nine in the morning after a night of work and partying? She went in for her hysterectomy yesterday, I got to see her for approximately one minute before they halled her off and I had to come home before she got out of surgery... She is going to be in there for three or four days. As of now I have been up for forty three hours, because I am also working seven days a week, eight hours a day, ten p.m. to six a.m in a mother fucking plastic factory... Anyway, I have called and talked to her, she is already walking and she isn't going to have to undergo any chemotherapy, thank goodness... Side note: the people at the OSU medical center suck ass, I don't know if it was the lack of sleep that kept me cussing at them or their extreme lack of intellegence... I vote for the latter.
Speaking of voting. Isn't it a bitch? I feel the need to write Mr. Bush and give him a little piece of my mind... Maybe I will, what a great waste of time :(
As far as life goes I am making damn good money, have lost fifteen pounds on hells step aerobic plan (work), and there are also a few guys that I am talking to... I am beginning to feel okay with the way my life is, aside from my mother of course... I know that I will go back to school eventually, but right now I want to live and experience whatever it is I want to...
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| It's been a while... |
[22 Aug 2004|05:55pm] |
You know I would like to think that I know who I am, but I can't help but think the people I surround myself with mold the person I am... That isn't always a BAD thing. Since coming back home, the I want everybody to like me Tori has left. Not that I am becoming a hermit, I just don't let anyone take advantage of me anymore. I walked out of my job the other day, only after cussing out the manager that pissed me off... I got my job back, but before I would have taken all the crap in the world and still not stuck up for myself... What the fuck was I thinking?
As far as the dating situation, well there isn't one. I could be all optimistic and say I am waiting on whatever the "right" guy is... But I am not. I am even so pathetic to have cried watching some dumbass movie about falling in love... A good friend said to focus on something about myself that I want to change, and then love will follow. I guess I might try that...
I miss so much about college, and I know that the Ohio State Beauty Academy is not going to quench my social thirst. But I will be done soon, and on my way to a different state. Maybe California or Florida... Somewhere I can meet people, cut hair, and bartend...
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| Shit. |
[07 Jul 2004|07:49pm] |
Living this redundant life.
But really, Is there anything more to do?
Putting up with the arrogant fuckers
that always seem to be one step ahead.
Why let this life tip toe by?
Take advantage of every elevated moment.
Only try to fly without bringing to mind the consequences.
Always seems to work for me.
Am I wrong, for having a little fun?
The government seems to think so... Fuck 'em.
I can't help there jealousy.
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| *Cries* |
[19 Jun 2004|05:33pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
] |
I don't want to be here. I want my freedom. To do as I please.
THIS SUCKS. This isn't going to work, I have to find yet another place to call home. I found one. It was fill with people I loved, and people that loved me. Now I am here, sure I love these people and they love me. But it is almost a smothering love. No you can't do that, be home by midnight, get a job, no don't do it at your own pace follow mine. I can't live like this without surely going insane. I have tasted the sweet sucker that contains life, but it has been ripped right out of my hands. Just as when you would take candy from a baby, I cry and cry... What have I given up, and when will I get it back? I need it back. I need it.
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| Pseudoness. |
[17 Jun 2004|04:09am] |
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mood |
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high |
] |
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music |
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Electric Funeral B.S. |
] |
Looking through the glass at a road that seems to go on forever.
It doesn’t seem logical to bother worrying about where it ends.
Slowly let off of the clutch, and ease onto the gas.
Acceleration.
Rip through each gear as if it were every consuming passion.
Back and forth between the accelerator and the clutch.
Legs Tense? Pace just right. Don’t think go.
Fields raging by, look at the speedometer.
Is it how you like it?
Hearts beating faster than the RPM of the tires.
Grasp onto the wheel, as if it is the only porthole to reality.
Breathe, remember to breathe.
Listen to the motor, does it scream your name?
Don’t stop till it does.
Taste that?
The taste of fear; fear of not knowing.
Not knowing where to go,
Not knowing the weather ahead.
That satisfying bittersweet taste.
Hear that? You shouldn’t.
The only thing worth hearing is the purr of the motor.
Over the wind and crickets… It is coming, wait.
Louder? Faster?
Red Light.
Regretful of downshifting?
Everyone has to slow down.
Ready for another ride?
This time free of governors.
A life of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll!
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| Changing |
[30 May 2004|05:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
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music |
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Old Hank. A country boy can survive! |
] |
Welp, I am making the trip home in a few days. Bittersweet, well more bitter than sweet. I just hate to give up all this freedom that I have assumed in the last year... but I figure after I am done with that school I will come back up here and live for a while, better business. I am just dreading a year with NO drinking, smoking, partying, or SEX for a year... I am going to go INSANE. Oh well, I have some boys to get ready for. I am not leaving here till I get one last piece of ass! Peace.
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| *thoughts* |
[24 May 2004|10:00pm] |
To many obstacles to overcome.
I don't have the time to get them all accomplished.
I am regretfully exhausted,
Therefore I can not go on.
My eyes are, as some people are, Pathological liars.
The surface portrays my every passion for life.
The passion that shoves me into the next day.
The passion that everyone loves me for.
Yet hidden somewhere deep within the hazel surface, is pain.
Pain that I let no one see, not even myself at times.
Pain that most don't have the ability of feeling.
Pain that even some days brings me to my knees.
I live with this. I deal. Why can't you?
Brings me to my knees? No no no my friend, not to pray.
Your God has punished me far too many times
Not only me, but he has fucked with my family.
How can I pray to this person who plays such twisted games?
But brings me to my knees in a sense of almost utter disappointment in myself.
I would like to think that I can take on the woes of the world,
standing on my own two feet.
But I can't even deal with me,
without falling into the fetal position and crying.
For this I am disappointed in me.
Crying?
It is almost an understatement.
Tears are shed for most anything.
Tears of loathing, FEAR, and yet again disappointment.
Loathing, yes there are others that I hate... In the worst ways.
But mostly I hate myself.
For allowing others to control my life, don't take that superficially.
I don't mean that I am pissed off that I have a curfew.
The fact that I can't have oral sex performed on me for fear.
I can't do it without seeing his face.
I don't have control over myself, when put into that situation.
I should have a sign "Ask out at own risk"... No better "Kiss at own risk".
Cause on thing always leads to another, right?
THEY ARE STILL FUCKING CONTROLLING MY LIFE.
I don't know how long I can do this, live.
How long do I have to go on masking this pain?
It must be masked, if it weren't, I would surely die.
Is that all it would take?
All I can do is hope.
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| *moving on* |
[21 May 2004|05:33am] |
For you, (you knows who they are) yes I can admit there are things about you that I don't like... But everybody I know well enough to love, has a hate list; the two go hand in hand. The thing is, even though there is a list of shit I don't like, the list of things that makes me love you is twice the size of the other. If you can't accept this I am sorry...
As of now my only motivation are the people around me... Those that I know love me. If it weren't for all of them I, with out a doubt, know I would no longer be here. I thrive off of people, my energy, my need to succeed, my entire being... It is who I am... Lindsay, Lauren, Dianna, Amy, John Thanks.
My heart is home. The one place I want to be more than anything. I want to see Sam, I need to see her, I need to hold that little girl in my arms and let her know how much she means to me. Every one of my siblings are my life, I wouldn't trade any of them for the world and all of the universe. I have figured out how to tell when someone is your best friend; when it kills you to have to tell this one person you can't tell them something. I need her too, Steph, when I had to tell her that I wanted to crawl into a whole and die... Wierd? No. I need my comfort zone.
As for school, I don't know if I can continue doing this... I am working a full time job and trying to pass all at the same time... It will be the end of me. I am considering getting my cosmetology license then going for my nursing degree. Might be fun, I figure Steph and I could get a salon going...
Once again, Thanks to all of you... G'night.
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[19 May 2004|08:03pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
I was holding on. I was trying my best.
Why? So the one god with all the answers could fuck me over again.
I wanted so badly to be happy.
I am exhausted. I don't want to try anymore.
Rivers are flooded, hell has opened it's gates to me again.
What in a males mind makes him think he has the power to do such awful things?
I want to kill him.
I want to find that man, too much credit.
I want to find that creature, suck the life out of him with my bare hands.
Tear off the limb he treasures the most.
He wasn't content with me.
He had to go on to people far less stronger than I.
I never thought I would ever want to kill some one, Oh but I do.
He will get his, one day.
I should have seen it in her eyes.
She is my baby sister.
He has made her life hell.
I know what it is like.
I know what it is like.
God dammit, I know what it is like all to well.
She shouldn't have to know to.
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[17 May 2004|04:43am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I don't know what I am here for; I am not okay with that. I do however know how to run, but I am exhausted; I have ran too far. I have ran from shit most everyone has to deal with. I was afraid, afraid of this hell I was born into. Being out in this world alone is an extremely scarey thing, I didn't know how to deal with it; hell I still don't. I don't have a place to go home to, I am doing this on my own... Working my ass off now, so I can work my ass off later. This is all just now hitting me; it is a lot to deal with. I have been out of nest for about nine months now, and I don't know how to deal with this. Will I pass the test... Am I knowledgable enough? I don't know, and that my friends is terrifying. Most of the people I know don't have to deal with any of this until they have graduated, I am envious. People say this will make me a stronger person, but you can't take this out of context I have decided... It will only make you stronger if you handle it properly. I, here lately, have not been. This is so fucking hard, I have never needed anyone... till now that is... It was difficult for me to come to that conclusion. But I have great friends, friends who may have even risked there jobs to help me. I thank you for that. I don't know where I will go from here, but I know it will be some where. I have cried, I am sure I will cry more. This journey was not ment to be easy... My goal now is not to completely quit, but to not be dependant... And to only do it when I am not running. One day at a time...
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| *help needed* |
[16 May 2004|06:59pm] |
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I don't need you. I can do this on my own. I have pushed myself into this, I have to climb out. I never ment to hurt you, my only intention was to get away. Life is so fuckin hard. I have cried, so much... What the fuck am I doing here? I am throwing everything I, I have worked so hard for... Everything I am still working for... I just wanted to crawl into a hole, I found one... It is capped... No I don't need your help... I can do this on my own... Who am I kidding?
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[16 May 2004|03:14am] |
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mood |
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guilty |
] |
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again
I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done
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| Away |
[15 May 2004|09:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
I want to take that trip that never leads me back. A one way ticket to a place I don't know. All the short trips are wearing me down, I need some place to call home. I don't know where I am going, trying hard to forget where I have been... All this shit has its' origin. I don't want to run anymore, but it is the only way I know. Being your own teacher does have its down falls. I will soon wish I hadn't done all the shit I am doing, but isn't the future just a pleasant interuption to the past? Only time will tell...
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| *twitches* |
[14 May 2004|06:50am] |
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mood |
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high |
] |
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music |
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We'll be higher than a hippie on a helicopter ride! |
] |
Ya know, life is okay... Nothing to bitch about, nothing to be excited over... Sheer nothingness, the way I like it... Getting to know people around these parts better... Really you all I am tired of rambling... So I am going to go pass out! Lots of Love!
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| May Daze... |
[10 May 2004|11:06pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Colt 45 |
] |
Well I have officially broken every rule and standard that I set for myself when I first came here. I figure that I am just going to live my life, and not worry what tomorrow is going to bring. Makes life a tid bit easier... I some how can't help but wonder what I am going to turn out like... I don't have to worry about being a mother, but will I in any way influence the world... Make some sort of anything better? I don't know.
Boys, I keep 'em around, makes my life a lil interesting. I am trying to figure out what I want... and I need to do so before Anthony asks me out (which by the way is getting closer). I think he started to ask me but when he asked me what I was doing I told him I already had plans (I actually did have some)... I don't know if I want a relationship, I don't know if I can put in all the time that needs to go into a good one. HEll I don't even know if I can be loyal to just on person, I know that is bad but I don't want to lie about it and then some one end up hurt.
Shit. I hate this. Why does everything in life have to be so damn complicated. Fuck I have to go to sleep...
Chalk another one up for me!
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| *tired of trying* |
[07 May 2004|05:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
I am tired of my body and mind always being at odds with one another. My body is screaming for one small break, and my mind pushes my body into things that it needs to do. I am tired of carrying what seems like the burdens of the world on my shoulders. I am tired of fighting every craving that I have for some sort of selfishness. I am tired of not having some one that loves me. I am tired of the people that have what I don't taking advantage of every minute of it. I am tired of being the friend that everyone can rely on. I am tired of being disrespected. I am tired of being me.
I am tired of waiting on the day that I go to sleep and never wake up. I am tired of living in a world where success is measured by how much money you make, not how hard you worked for what you have; in a world where some are given what they want and others must work for what they want. I am tired of being tired, more than that I am tired of living.
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| Minty Condoms! |
[05 May 2004|04:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 horny |
] |
Welp, I just got back from a four a.m. run to the waffle house and I am not feeling all that well. But I found my minty condoms and that makes it all better. Hopefully I will get to use them this weekend ;)! I wouldn't mind with one boy in particular, one that kinda started it all today... Who knows? But I just thought I would fill you in!
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| Failure |
[04 May 2004|03:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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She uses Vasoline... The things you learn from wierd boys! |
] |
Well I am officially failing my Anatomy class... But if I get an A on the rest of the exams, I can manage a C. Shit what am I doing here? I know, having a little too much fun. Well I need to clean and study, study, study... Then pass out! Later
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